10 Things I Hate About You
by frosthawkandclassicrock
Summary: High school AU in which Loki is a feminist soccer player and Clint is paid to take him out. Basically it follows the film closely, which is a modern adaptation of Shakespeare's "The Taming of the Shrew." Characters are not genderbent. All of the Avengers are in here one way or another, with some Thor characters. M/M, slash. And parody ? I'm told it's got a parody feel to it.
1. New Kid in School

**First off, Yumi, if you're reading this, thanks again for reviewing! You rock hard!**

**Since I've watched 10 Things I Hate About You probably 300 times, and I really love Shakespeare, I got an inspiration for a longer term project, basing a story off of 10 Things, which is loosely based on The Taming of the Shrew. If you're unfamiliar with either, it doesn't matter; you'll probably still enjoy this. And if you enjoy it, at least watch the movie if you aren't into Shakespeare. Because both are infinitely better than the trash I am fixing to spew. **

**Also there will be differences, because to make the characters fit the story better I have to alter things. But NOT personality or gender of the characters. You'll see when you read...**

**(But but but I might write another version with Lady Loki and lady!Thor so it would be an optimal fit. If people say they would like Thor and Loki to be gender bent, then that will be put into the works. But for now, here's this)**

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Loki braked at the stop light, windows rolled down and Joan Jett ripping from the stereo. The car next to him had the top down and a group of girls in designer clothes laughed and nodded their heads to One Week. He scowled and accelerated once the light permitted him.

He parked and speed walked towards the school, ripping down a prom poster and ignoring the upset "Hey!" from a prom committee girl.

Steve was in the guidance counselor's office, hands neatly in his lap and a timid look on his face, looking at Mr. Coulson. The man typed away, writing a racy romance novel, pausing regularly and racking his brain for euphemisms he hadn't used yet. After a brief moment, his eyes move up to meet Steve's.

"So, Steven," he quickly reviewed the new student's transcript. "Nine schools in ten years, my, my . . . Army brat?"

"Yes sir, my dad's-"

"That's enough. I'm sure you won't find Padua any different than your old school. Same little asswipe shit-for-brains everywhere."

"Excuse me? Did you just say . . . Am I in the right office?" Steve was flustered and quite shocked by the lack of formality.

"Not anymore, you're not. I've got deviants to see and a novel to write. Scoot!" He shooed a confused Steve out.

"Okay, thanks," he stated quietly, passing Clint Barton in his leaving.

"Clint Barton. I see we're making our weekly visits a ritual." Coulson frowned, and Clint answered with a grin.

"Only so we can have these moments together. Should I, uh get the lights?"

"Oh very clever, kangaroo boy. Says here you exposed yourself in the cafeteria?"

"I was joking with the lunch lady. It was just a bratwurst."

"Bratwurst?" Coulson flicked his gaze to Clint's crotch briefly, a look of suspicion.

"Aren't we the optimist? Next time keep it in your pouch, okay? Scoot," He motioned impatiently so he could insert "bratwurst" in place of whatever word covered "penis." Clint wrinkled his eyebrows and his mouth twisted into a slight grimace, a face that proclaimed _What the hell?_

"Bruce Banner, I'm supposed to show you around," Bruce got into step with Steve.

"Oh, hi," Steve's face relaxed. "Thank God. Usually they send one of those nerdy A/V guys."

"Oh, yeah, you know I do. I mean, I know what you mean," he stumbled over his words. A kid pushing a cart with electronics on it waved Bruce down.

"Bruce where should I put these?" Bruce looked down and away from the other student, shutting him out until they were a 'safe' distance away.

"So, um . . . Steve, here's the breakdown," Bruce started to speak again as they continued down the hall. "These are your basic beautiful people," he motioned towards a group of students with polished hair and stylish clothing. "Don't bother talking to them unless they talk to you first."

"Is that your rule or theirs?"

"Watch this," Bruce turned to a guy wearing a letter jacket and called "Hey!"

"Geek," he responded without missing a beat.

"See that?" He urged Steve to keep going as the football players lowered their eyebrows at them. A few moments later, Bruce had more to say. "To our left, we have the coffee kids," he nodded in their direction. One spilled some of his cup and was scolded by his friend. "Very edgy. Don't make any sudden moves around them." The two neared a table of white guys with dreads and hats that hung low on their heads. "And these delusionals are the White Rastas. Big Marley fans. Think they're black, slightly political but-"

"Smoke a lot of weed?" Steve inserted.

"Yeah," he led Steve further into the new environment. "Here are-" they came across boys dressed in Wranglers and cowboy hats.

"Let me guess, cowboys?"

"Yep. But the closest they've come to a cow is McDonald's." Bruce quietly laughed at his own joke as he continued his little tour and generalized introductions. A table of textbooks and business clothing neared and he pointed them out with slight disdain. "They're all future MBAs. We're all accepted into Ivy League colleges. Yuppie greed is back, my friend," he looked to them. "Hey, how's it going, guys?" One looks at them with irritation and turns back to the rest of them, muttering. "Yesterday, I was their god."

"What happened?" Steve inquired.

"Bogie Levenstein started a rumor that . . . I buy my Izods at an outlet mall."

"So they kicked you out?" Steve was in disbelief. Such a stupid issue to be abandoned because of.

"Hostile takeover. But don't worry. They'll pay. Now, over here-" he began to direct the blonde's attention to another group.

"Oh my God!" Steve interrupted, distracted. Bruce pinpointed Steve's gaze and his eyes fell on long blonde hair. He immediately knew who it was. Steve stared in awe, practically transforming into a cartoonish dog getting his belly scratched. His voice comes out in a smitten tone. "What group's he in?"

"The 'Don't-Even-Think-About-It' group. That's Thor Odinson. Wait, are you gay?"

" . . . Yes. I burn! I pine! I perish!" Okay, so maybe Steve never felt attracted to another dude before. But this felt different. Maybe it was how Thor looked like he could rule the world. He didn't know for sure. But he was love struck.

"Of course. He's gorgeous. He's deep. Pure." Bruce half-smiled.

Thor neared them, Sif in tow. "See, there's a difference between like and love. I _like_ my Sketchers, but I _love_ my Prada backpack."

"Oh, that makes sense. But . . . I love my Sketchers." Sif looked downcast.

"That's because you don't have a Prada backpack."

"Ohhh." She smiled again, an enlightened look gracing her face.

"Listen. Forget him. His father's incredibly uptight, and the Odinson brothers aren't even allowed to date."

"Okay." _But what if?_

~  
Nick Fury headed the class. His voice boomed as he asked everyone in attendance what they thought of _The Sun Also Rises._

"I loved it," a girl somewhere behind Loki oohed. "It was just soo _romantic._"

"Romantic? Hemingway? He was a pathetic alcoholic misogynist who spent half his life trying to nail Picasso's leftovers." Loki crossed his arms in irritation, his scowl returning.

"As opposed to a bitter, self-righteous asshole with no friends?" Tony sneered from the row to his left. A few giggle sounded throughout the room at his snide comment. Loki grimaced and kept facing forward.

"Pipe down, Chachi," Fury snapped from the front of the class.

"Apparently being male and a douchebag makes you worth of our time in today's society. Why don't we ever read Charlotte Bronte or Simone de Beauvoir?"

Clint stepped in even though class started a good ten minutes ago. "What'd I miss?"

"The oppressive patriarchal values that dictate our education," Loki answered in a grim tone.

"Good," Clint replied, and turned on his heel, exiting into the hallway again.

"Hey!" Fury shouted after him. "Hey!"

"Um, Mr. Fury, is there anyway we could get Loki to take his anti-depressants _before _class?" Stark made himself heard again and collected a few snickers.

"Some day, you're gonna get bitch-slapped, and I'm not gonna do a thing to stop it. And Loki, I'd like to thank you for your point of view." Fury turned his attention to the dark haired male. Loki grinned to himself.

"It must be tough to grow up white and the son of a doctor." Loki soured again. "But the next time you storm around the PTA crusading for better lunch meat, or whatever it is you white kids complain about, ask them why they can't buy a book written by a black man!"

"Anything else?" Loki looked Fury in the eyes, vaguely challenging him.

"Yeah, go to the office. You're pissing me off."

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**Alrighty! Looks like you made it through the first chapter. Leave your thoughts and things if you're in the mood to do that kind of thing. **

**Also, I forgot to mention this at the beginning, but the Steve in here is skinny!Steve. Because if it were super-serum Steve he would probably end up being a jock and not taking the role Cameron has in the film. **


	2. Loki Goes to the Office

**Oops. I had this written up a few days ago, and I thought I posted it. But I didn't. You guys should spam my tumblr inbox when it takes a while to update! Because for whatever reason, I don't get emails notifying me of reviews and favorites and all those things. I have to manually check everything, except tumblr. I get emails anytime someone asks a question.**

**Yumi, thanks again for reviewing, you are wonderful. I hope this chapter proves to be satisfactory for my readers.**

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Coulson continued to type, murmuring dirty, 50 Shades quality writing to himself, his head lolling around. He froze midsentence, realizing he needed a better word.

"Judith!" He snapped. She paused in the doorway with a look that asked "What?"

"What's another word for . . . engorged?"

"I'll look it up," she growled in a sour tone.

"Okay." Carefree, he went back to typing, muttering synonyms. ". . . swollen . . ."

"Tumescent?" Loki suggested from the doorframe.

"Perfect!" Coulson entered the 'tumescent' into the next sentence before looking up again. "So I hear you were terrorizing Mr. Fury's class. Again."

"Expressing my opinion shouldn't be classified as a terrorist action."

"Like the way you expressed your opinion to Bobby Ridgeway? Which, by the way, his testicle retrieval operation went extraordinarily well, in case you were wondering."

"I still maintain that he kicked himself in the balls."

"The point, Loki, is . . . People perceive you as somewhat. . ."

"Tempestuous?"

"'Heinous bitch' is the term used most often." Coulson's face was dead serious. Loki turned the corners of his mouth down once again. "You might wanna work on that. Thank you."

"As always, thank you so much for your wonderful guidance. I'll let you get back to Sarah's moist velvet gloves." Loki left in a flurry of sarcasm. Coulson approved the phrase and added it to a list of euphemisms.

Tony stood and joked around with a friend who piped up with "Virgin alert," as Thor and Sif passed.

"Looking good," Tony nodded upwards with one corner of his mouth turned up.

"They're out of reach. Even for you, Stark."

"Pff, no one's out of reach for me."

"You willing to put some money on that?"

"Nah. I've got money out the ass. This... I'm gonna do it for fun."

Steve and Bruce peered across the way, seeing Tony watching the two like a vulture and making remarks to his friend.

"Who's he?" Steve consulted Bruce.

"That's Tony Stark. He's a jerkoff. And a rich model."

"A model?"

"A model. Mostly local stuff. Though he's rumoured to have a tube sock ad coming out."

"Really?"

"Really." Steve laughed, a muffled sound. He turned his attention back to the tall and beautiful blonde. "Man, just.. look at him."

"Is he always so . . . vapid?"

"Don't say that! He is totally . . ."

"Conceited?"

"What are you talking about? There's gotta be more to him than you think. Look at the way he smiles. Like a golden retriever. And his eyes. He's totally pure, you're just missing what's there."

"No, Steve. No. What's there is a snooty Prince charming wearing a carefully planned half transparent buttondown to show off his body and also remind us he's absolutely out of reach for us. It also makes sure guys like Tony realize they really want to touch them. Thor, my friend, is what we'll spend the rest of our lives not having. So stick him in the Spank Bank and move along." Bruce had the look of a teacher giving an idiot a simple lesson.

"No! You're wrong! About him. And . . . He deserves respect, not just wet dreams and . . ." Steve's face reddened. "And jerking off."

"Alright, I'm wrong? You're going to take a shot at this? Go ahead. He's looking for a French tutor."

"Are you serious? That is perfect."

"Do you speak French?" Bruce raised an eyebrow.

"Well, no. But I will." Steve had a lazy grin, but determination sparkled in his blue eyes.

Loki and Natasha walked together out front of the school, finding their way to his car. Tony braked next to them, an arm hanging over the sleek red of his convertible.

"Hey, Loki, your outfit is so out of style. Didn't you read last month's GQ?"

Loki didn't even spare Stark a passing glance and instead patronizingly stated "Run along."

Thor and Sif strolled next to each other, Sif asking the deep questions. "I know you can be overwhelmed, and underwhelmed, but can you ever just be . . . whelmed?"

"You can in Norway." Thor answered, but his face betrayed confusion. Tony stopped his car again, this time in front of the other two.

"Hey there, would you sweet young things like a ride?" Sif turned to Thor immediately, a smile spreading over her cheeks. Thor shared the same look, and they climbed into the back seat.

"Careful on the leather." Tony grimaced at their heeled shoes.

"That's a charming new development," Natasha commented in a dark sarcastic tone.

"That is repulsive." Loki agreed. Just then, Bruce was going to pass the car when his motorcycle's engine died in front of the hood. He stuttered to a halt.

"Remove your head from your sphincter, then drive," Loki snarled out the window. Bruce kickstarted the motorcycle and motored over to Steve.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah. Just a minor encounter with the shrew. The love of your life's brother."

"What? That's Thor's brother?" Steve's face crinkled in surprise.

"Yup. The mewling quim himself." Bruce shot off again, veering around a car and shooting right off the road and flying down the grassy hill that came to an end at the football field. He jolted all the way down as a bunch of students observed. He finally came to a stop and stood up, putting his hands in victory, everyone cheering.


	3. A New Rule

**Wow, this took longer than expected to update. I'm really trying to update more often. I swear I am. I'll get the next few chapters written over the weekend and hopefully post them... I told you guys you're free to invade my inbox on tumblr to get my ass in gear. But I'm gaining readers, and that's pretty cool! So I hope this next chapter doesn't let you down.**

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Odin stepped into the living room with a stack of mail in his hands, half reading the return addresses. Bills, bills, and offers for magazine subscriptions. Loki was curled up on the sofa reading the _Bell Jar._

"Hello, Loki. Did you make anyone cry today?" He raised an eyebrow, sifting through the last couple pieces of mail.

"Sadly, no. But it's only 4:30." Odin grinned in a proud manner at Loki's words. Thor entered and gave his father a bear hug.

"Hey, dad."

"Hello, my son."

"And where've you been, Thor?" Loki looked at his brother with a condescending squint.

"Nowhere," he shot back, glaring. Odin paused his mail examination, reading an envelope.

"What's this? It says Sarah Lawrence?" Odin looked at Loki with a measure of scrutiny. Loki leaped up and plucked the letter from his father's hands, cheering excitedly and flying across the room. "I got in! I got in!" He yelled, waving the paper around, bursting with glee. His green eyes were animated with glee.

"Uh, darling, that's great, but isn't that all the way across the country?"

"Thus the basis of its appeal!" Loki raised his eyebrows. The glimmer was fading, knowing his father's disapproval was lurking.

"I thought you were going to stay here? And go to the same university as me?"

"No, that's what you decided." The dark haired teenager looked vexed.

"Oh, so you just pick up and leave, is that it?"

"Let's hope so, father," Thor chimed in. Loki's responding glance could have killed the blonde where he stood. Then he turned the malice in his face to a sugary grin.

"Father, ask Thor who drove him home."

"Loki, do not change - drove?" Odin turned to face his son who was glowing only moments ago. "Who drove you home?" His voice turned into a thunderous boom.

"Now, do not get flustered, father, but there is this boy-"

"Who is a flaming imbecile."

"Stop,"

"I think he plans to ask me-"

"Stop. I know what he is going to ask you. And I think I know the answer. No. It is always _no._ What are the house rules? First, no dating until you have graduated. Second, no dating until you graduate. Do I make myself clear?"

"Father, that is so unfair!" Thor pouted.

"Do you want to know what is unfair?" Odin was addressing both of his sons. "This morning a fifteen year old boy came in to get tested. He turned out HIV positive. Do you know what he told me?"

"'I'm a crackhead and a fool and I should have made my nasty boyfriend wear a condom?'" Thor offers sourly.

Odin seemed to consider the statement. "Close, but no. He said 'I should have listened to my father.'"

"He did not."

"That is what he would have said had he not been so panicked."

Thor sighed, rolling his blue eyes. "Can we just focus on me for a moment? I am the only one in school who is not dating."

"You are wrong, Loki is not dating."

"And I do not intend to," Loki scowled at Thor.

"And why is that?" Odin hopes for Loki's answer to convince his brother he would be better off not dating.

"Have you seen the unwashed miscreants that go to school?"

"Where did you even come from? Planet Cold-Hearted Frost Giant?"

"I have a new idea. The old rule is out," Thor's face lit up. "The new rule: Thor can date;" his face brightened more still, but Loki grimaced like he was witnessing roadkill rot. "If Loki does."

"What if he never does? He is a freak!"

"Then you will never date. Oh, I like that," the second part was almost meant for himself. "I will get to sleep at night, the deep slumber of a father who is not worried about his sons going out and getting STDs and HIV." Odin's pager beeped. "I have to go. We will talk about Sarah Lawrence later," he declared to the retreating Loki.

"Fine,"

"Loki! Can you not just find some idiot to go to the movies with? So I can have just _one _date?"

"Oh, I am sorry, I guess you are going to have to miss out on the witty repartee of Tony 'eat me' Stark."

"You suck,"

"You suck!" Loki mocked in a whiny tone.

Steve sat down in the library with Thor. He was still blown away by the blonde's entire being, he just radiated confidence and golden joy.

"Can we make this quick? Maria Hill and Wade Wilson are having a big breakup on the quad again."

"Sure. I thought we could start with pronunciation?" The smaller blonde suggested with a partial grin.

"Not the hacking and gagging part. Please."

"Well, there are alternatives. French food. We could, uh, maybe get something together? Maybe Saturday evening?" Steve pressed his lips in a thin line, like that would seal his hopefulness away.

"Are you asking me out? That is adorable! What did you say your name was again?"

"Steve. I know your dad won't let you go out, but I thought this could be an exception since it's for French class."

"Oh wait a minute, Stefan-"

"Steve,"

"My father came up with a new rule. If my brother dates, than so can I!"

"You're kidding! Do you like sailing? I heard there is a place to rent boats-"

"A _beaucoup problemo_, Samuel. In case you have not heard, my brother is a particularly awful breed of loser."

"Yeah, I noticed he's a bit antisocial. Why's that?"

"Unsolved mystery. He was actually quite popular, but then, I don't really know. I think he grew bored of it. Maybe there is another reason why, but he has become rather incapable of human interaction. Besides that, he acts like a total bitch."

"Well, there could be someone around here willing to take a risk. It would be comparable to skydiving. Extreme dating. There's gotta be someone."

"Do you think you can find someone so extreme?"

"I'm sure I can!" Steve was cheering up. Thor touched his arm lightly.

"You would do that for me?"

"Of course! Er, I mean, you know, I could definitely look into it."


	4. Getting Down to Business

**So you're here for chapter four. Congratulations, you haven't given up on me! I hope this one is satisfactory. Everyone who has favorited and followed and reviewed, you're all amazing and you're the gas in my tank. I really want to finish this whole thing, because I hate it when I find something I like and it's left unfinished.**

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"Okay, I've got a group of guys together. Couldn't find any better guys; they're Padua's finest." Bruce reassured Steve as he guided the blonde down a dirty stairwell and into a darker room. There sat three guys and one girl, all looking desperate and a tad on the weasel-ish side. Steve looked at Bruce with uncertainty and some disappointment.

"Hey! How you doing?" Bruce asked in an optimistic tone. "Would any of you be interested in dating Loki Odinson?"

One burst into laughter, another stared on blankly, the girl remarked "Ho, I've never been _that _ripped."

The last responded with "Maybe if we were the last two people on earth. And there were no sheep. Are there sheep?"

Well, there was that.

Bruce and Steve sat at their lab table, scalpels in hand and goggles over eyes, a platter with a formaldehyde preserved frog in front of them. Only a step or two behind them, Clint and Daken were picking apart their own frog. Or rather, he took out a butterfly knife and stabbed the frog with apparent force.

"I told you it would be pointless. No one will go out with Loki," Bruce had an I-told-you-so expression. Steve turned around in time to witness Clint's little Vlad the Impaler of Frogs display.

"Hey," his eyes lightened with a new idea. He nodded to Clint. "What about him?"

"Him? No no. Don't look at him, okay?" Bruce's face looked more concerned now. "He's a criminal. I heard he lit a state trooper on fire. He just did a year in San Quentin."

"Well, I bet that was a lonely time. He probably wants someone..." Steve was too innocent to say something as simple as 'I bet he's horny!'

"Seriously, Steve. He's whacked in the head. He sold his own liver on the black market for a set of nice speakers." They turned to find Clint taking out a cigarette and leaning towards the flames to light up a smoke. Daken rapidly grabbed it from him and stubbed it out, a disapproving look on his face.

"I'm convinced. He's our guy," Steve had his mind set on Clint. The sandy haired male looked up at the staring friends. They looked away immediately.

Later on, they found Clint in the woodshop classroom. Steve approached him, upbeat, polite, and carrying his French text book. "Hey, how are you? Listen, I-" Clint raised his hand, gripping a power drill and using it, drilling a hole in the center of Steve's book. Steve's face contained shock. "Okay. Later, then."

Bruce and Steve walked in step through the hall way.

"How do we get him to date Loki?"

"I don't know. We could pay him. But we don't have any money," Steve dropped a new idea on the table, and Bruce pondered it.

"What we need is a backer."

"What do you mean?"

"An idiot with lots of money." Moments later they both came to the same conclusion.

At lunch time, Bruce swaggered up to Stark's table and sat down like it was an everyday occurrence. Tony and his ape friends were laughing at a crappily drawn pair of boobs on a lunch tray. They stopped and looked at Bruce like he was an alien.

"Is that a peach Fruit Roll-Up? Those are hard to come b-" he had started to reach for the candy when he started his sentence, and he stopped when the owner of the Roll-Up grabbed his wrist and gave him a dirty look. "Okay, alright."

"Are you lost?" Tony squinted at the olive skinned teenager.

"Actually, I just came by to have a little talk,"

"We don't talk."

"I have a business proposition for you, if you're interested."

"I'm not accepting business agreements right now." Tony replied with a gallon of snark.

"Please, just hear me out," Tony held Bruce by the jaw, raising the black marker to his cheek. He didn't lose any confidence, fully aware a dick was being traced across his face. He spoke anyway. "You're after Loki, right? But you can't because of his father's rules and Loki is an unlovable headcase, right?"

"Is there a purpose to this conversation?"

"I'm getting there. The idea is to hire someone tough enough to take him out. Someone who doesn't scare easily." Bruce points to Clint and Daken, a few table away.

"That guy? I heard he ate an entire duck once," Tony looked incredulous, but also like he was giving in to the idea.

"Everything but the beak and feet. Clearly he would be a solid investment."

"What's in it for you?" Tony appeared suspicious.

"Nothing much. I'm just walking down the hall and say hi, and you say hi back."

"Cool by association? I'll consider it." Tony finished drawing man parts on Bruce's face. Bruce, pleased with himself, bobbed his head and stuck around at the table.

"We're finished now." Tony encouraged Bruce to leave.

"Yeah," Bruce nodded and departed. He walked quickly back to Steve, who waited with an aura anxiety.

"What are you doing dealing with him?" Steve felt like he was undoubtedly below Tony, and it was no question Thor would choose Stark over himself.

"Relax. He can pretend he's calling the shots. We know it's all you. While he's dealing with Clint you're getting farther with Thor. Simple, right?"

"That _is_ a good idea."

On the green field, the soccer team was practicing, most aggressively and determined of all was Loki. Clint and Daken were standing in the benches, Clint smoking.

"Hey, how you doing?" Tony attempted to engage Clint, who brushed him off entirely. "I had some great duck last night."

"Do I know you?" Clint shot Stark a dark look.

"See that guy?" Tony tipped his head towards Loki, headbutting the soccer ball.

"Yeah,"

"That's Loki Odinson. I want you to go out with him."

"Yeah, sure thing, Sparky." Clint had a trace of a smirk on his lips.

"Look, I can't take out Thor if no one takes out Loki. Their dad has this issue mind he won't let them-"

"That's a touching story, but that's not my problem. And what makes you think I'm gay?"

"Anyone could be a little gay if there's something to gain. Could I make this your problem if I provide generous compensation?"

"You're gonna pay me to take out some dude so you can bang his brother?"

"Mhmm."

"How much?"

"Twenty bucks."

"Are you shitting me? Let's say we go to the movies. Tickets? At least twenty. he'll want popcorn. Fifty. And, he'll need soda to wash it down, so that brings us to... seventy-five."

"This isn't some negotiation. Take it or leave it."

"Fifty bucks and we got a deal, Fabio." Clint was serious, but smiled a little when Tony sighed and passed him fifty dollars.


End file.
